Talk to your pastor before leaving his flock

DEAR AMY: Several weeks ago, our pastor gave a sermon about forgiveness, during which he talked about how to make amends with people we might have wronged. I was OK with the message, until he suggested that people who have committed questionable acts (such as inappropriate sexual touching) should not try to make amends because doing so would hurt additional people and make the situation worse. I was dumbfounded by his comment. A member of my family was a victim of abuse as a child, and even years later this person would benefit from an apology. This issue has put me at a real crossroads, and I'm considering looking for another church. Am I being overly sensitive?

--At a Crossroads

DEAR CROSSROADS: I think I understand your pastor's reasoning. Suggesting that sexual abusers contact their victims - for any reason - would be extremely irresponsible. Perpetrators sometimes get in touch with their victims, stating that they want to make amends and be forgiven, when the real reason is to continue to violate and control them. No responsible counselor, spiritual or otherwise, would make such an open-ended suggestion.

When you have a serious question originating at church or concerning spiritual values, the ideal place to take your concern is your pastor's office. I hope you speak with him before deciding to leave the church.

DEAR AMY:I love my husband, but, although he's only 42, he's a cranky, old man. Our older children and I sometimes rib him by making fists in the air, exclaiming, "You kids get off my lawn!" He can be harsh, opinionated and cynical. His childhood was rough, so I understand where his attitude comes from. On the other hand, he is smart, has a sense of humor, is involved with our three kids, is loyal and is a good provider. We have come to a mutual understanding. He hates social occasions, organized events at the schools or in town and attending church - all things I love to do. I made the decision long ago to go to events on my own or with the kids. He is fine with this. There are people at my church who think I am single! Neighbors and family members always ask where he is. I try to make excuses about work or him being tired. What can I say to people when they wonder where he is?

--The Codger's Wife

DEAR WIFE: You shouldn't make up excuses for your husband - certainly if they aren't true. Just say, "My husband is a little anti-social. He likes to keep the home fires burning, but I'm happy I'm here."