They are loath to help their addicted daughter

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who has been in and out of drug-treatment centers for four years. We are estranged. She has a young daughter and a soon-to-be ex-husband who is also a user. They lost custody of our granddaughter due to their neglect and endangering her welfare. Thankfully, our granddaughter is in good hands with her other grandmother.

They all live several hundred miles away from us. Recently, our daughter moved back to our area. She has several charges against her in her previous area and she has court dates that, it appears, she has no intention of attending. She has used us, and others, over the years and said and done, quite frankly, unforgivable things to my husband and me. We are afraid of her showing up on our doorstep again, creating drama, havoc and chaos in our lives. Everything we have learned through Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, books, counseling and attending her parents' weekends in rehab has us believing we should turn her away and tell her we love her but cannot have a relationship until she is truly in recovery and working her program. We feel conflicted. We feel that getting involved with her legal problems and living situations is enabling her. What do you think? At Wits' End

DEAR END: Your anguish about this underscores how very challenging it is to maintain a "tough love" attitude toward family members.

Your burden is to maintain a loving detachment toward your daughter, understanding that while your attitude may not have any immediate or demonstrable effect on her, enabling her won't help. Any action you take should be confined to prompting her toward rehab.

Unfortunately, there is no one response that will work for your daughter and also relieve your anxiety. Continue to attend support groups and learn from others.