Torn about giving money to a bad risk

DEAR AMY: A close relative is undergoing foreclosure. After years of being fiscally irresponsible, she has come to us for money. We love and care about her. She is in her 50s with no job, little ambition and few prospects. Her wealthy parents enabled this behavior all her life, and now she is turning to us. We've worked hard and have been fiscally responsible for almost 20 years. My husband has proposed that we give her a monthly stipend for one year to help her get back on her feet. I want to help, but I'd also like to give her my advice and opinions. My husband and I both work and have done well, but we have bills and taxes and grade-school-age children we'd like to send to college. I'm almost certain she won't handle this money well. It is also clear that doing nothing is not an option. So how do I let go of the money without harboring bad feelings? I don't want my marriage to suffer. Worried Wife

DEAR WIFE: This relative is holding your marriage hostage to her personal debt crisis.

You could respond by negotiating down the amount your family will contribute, and give the money to her accompanied by an expression of your frustration, as well as your advice.

Your relative is enlisting you and your husband as investors in her life. As such, you should have a say in how she uses your money. I suggest you state a certain deadline and make your support contingent on her successfully completing job training and financial counseling.

DEAR AMY: You responded to a letter about a woman who bragged about her kids - and her kids bragged about themselves. I have a very intelligent son. When he acts arrogantly, I tell him, given the choice, most people would rather be friends with the nicest person, not the smartest.AC in PA

DEAR AC: This is a great lesson. Thank you.