Toxic mom has her on holiday edge

DEAR AMY: My elderly mother, a widow, is fairly independent and lives about two hours away. I am married and have a child. My mother has always been a negative, critical, judgmental and controlling person toward me, but she genuinely loves my husband and our child. Recently, while caring for her after some outpatient surgery, she blew up at me (again), screaming and ranting about how I haven't lived up to her expectations. It has always been this way, but I finally lost my patience with this treatment and decided to distance myself from her. No more daily phone calls to check in -- and I'd like not to visit anytime soon. My husband has started making occasional phone calls to her to check in. How am I supposed to handle the holidays? The last time she blew up at me, I told her that her constant criticism is unacceptable. She screamed that she never wants to visit our home again -- I assume because I stood up to her. My husband understands my predicament but says I need to bite the bullet because I'm all she has. What should I do?Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Now that you are detaching more from your mother, you may find her more tolerable because you know you have an escape hatch.

Even though neither your husband nor I should decide this for you, my view is that you should visit for Christmas, keeping in mind that you have drawn a boundary and intend to maintain it.

Visiting her gives you an option to leave on your own terms. If she abuses you, it's time to get your coats.

Her kindness toward your husband and child is good, but potentially another way for her to make you feel bad about your own relationship.

Don't give her the power. You will learn more about this dynamic by reading "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward (2002, Bantam).