Untangling from alcoholic's yo-yo string

DEAR AMY: My 31-year-old daughter and her 43-year-old partner have lived together for about four years. For the past two years, her partner's older brother has lived with them so that he could find a job, sort out marital problems, save money and find his own place. Initially, my daughter wanted to be helpful, but soon discovered that she was dealing with the yo-yo life and broken promises of an alcoholic. Her partner has a kind of codependent relationship with his older brother and cannot give him the necessary "tough love." My daughter now has a 10-month-old baby to care for and is very anxious about raising a child around an alcoholic. Neither brother has any interest in seeking help, and my daughter feels trapped in a situation where she must ask her partner to make a choice between her or his brother.

Do you have any advice for her?Wondering Mom

DEAR WONDERING: The problem of being entangled with the yo-yo life of an alcoholic is that the person spinning the yo-yo entangles other people in the string.

Your daughter's partner and his brother don't want to change.

Your daughter only has the power to change her own approach, and she needs to be brave enough to confront the anxiety of delivering the "tough love."

Sooner rather than later, she should tell her partner: "The way we are living isn't healthy for me and our child. It's time for your brother to move out so we can concentrate on raising our baby."

If her partner's loyalty to his brother exceeds his willingness to put his partner and child at the center of his life, that should tell her something. She may have to prepare herself to leave the relationship.

She may find comfort, community and understanding in Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org). If her partner won't attend meetings, she should go on her own.