Unwelcome lesson is charitable giving

DEAR AMY: I am an uncle with 16 nieces and nephews whom I love very much (I have no children). Each of my four siblings is very successful and their children want for nothing. I am known in my family as giving the "best gifts." Last Thanksgiving, I asked my brother's two boys, 16 and 15, what they would like for Christmas. Their answers were, "I don't know." I asked them each a second time, a few weeks later and they said they didn't know. A week before they were going away for the holiday, I asked again. Again, they didn't give me an answer. When the boys returned from their trip, they found two beautifully wrapped gifts from me. When they opened them, they each found a letter from a charitable foundation thanking them for their $40 donations. My sister-in-law and two nephews will no longer speak to me, as they feel slighted by the donation (I admit I was trying to teach my nephews a lesson in manners and gratitude). I find their attitude and behavior disappointing. Was I wrong in how I handled this?

--Irritated Uncle

DEAR IRRITATED: You are not only irritated, but also irritating. It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that your nephews might have been too well-raised (or intimidated) to give specific directives about gifts.

You turned your gift-giving into an unkind game. Rather than teach these boys a lesson in manners and gratitude, you have shown them that giving to a charity is a great way to punish someone.

You have behaved poorly. You could repair things by explaining your thinking to these boys and admitting that in your frustration you made a poor choice.

Try doing things differently next year. Your nephews might enjoy going with their uncle to a ball game, concert or play. You could also do a good deed next Christmas by inviting them to volunteer alongside you in a charitable endeavor.