Wedding guest list invites discussion

DEAR AMY: Our daughter is getting married this summer. My husband and I are paying for everything. Our issue is that when the invitation states, "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," we would expect only those two to RSVP. The groom's family has taken the liberty of responding on behalf of anyone they want to bring along. I say, if it doesn't say "and family" or "and guest," then the invitation is only to the people listed on the envelope. We have asked our daughter how to handle this, and she says the groom's family will never "disinvite" anyone, so it is up to us. How should we handle a significant number of unwanted guests?Parents of the Bride

DEAR PARENTS:You are correct about invitations -- they are just for the people to whom they are addressed. Given that this breach has already occurred, you can either arrange for an extra table at the reception and pay for these guests, or you can ask the bride and groom to help you navigate this. I am in favor of marrying couples taking responsibility for their own weddings. This includes saving (and raising) the money to pay for the event and working with both families to negotiate the guest list. If the couple had more of a stake in their guest list, they wouldn't be so blasé about the RSVPs.

As it is, you should meet with them, go over the RSVP list and say, "We notice there are several more people who say they are coming to the reception than were invited. What are your ideas on how to handle this?" If these extra guests exceed your budget, perhaps the marrying couple could come up with the money to pay for them.DEAR AMY: My sister is supposed to be studying for her upcoming bat mitzvah, but she won't. I try to help by bringing her Hebrew readings to her, but she goes to her room and sulks. I've tried getting her friends to motivate her through texts, but she yells at me for texting them. During the school year, she did the same thing with her homework. What should I do?Concerned SisterDEAR SISTER: Your sister might have a terrible case of nerves, or she might have learning difficulties. If you are older, you might be able to help her by reassuring her, not pressuring her. You could also help by recording the readings for her, giving your sister the opportunity to listen and memorize in privacy and at her own pace. Do not text her friends about this. You are leaping over sisterly boundaries -- and this is embarrassing. Your family's rabbi will have seen this before. Ultimately, this difficulty is an opportunity to learn and grow through challenge.