What if you never marry? No problem

DEAR SUSAN: Susan, I agree with you that it's better to live as if one will always be single rather than be terrorized and afraid marriage will never happen. My biggest fear used to be that I'd never find the right woman to marry. Once I accepted that I might never marry, I stopped being afraid of my singleness. Jason C., Long Island

DEAR JASON: Well said. It also took me a long time to grow into a mindset that could triumph over those frightening tigers. Alone in my bed, my mind raced nightly with fearful what ifs: What if I never remarried? What if I became sick and couldn't care for my son? What if we became a burden to my parents? But as I saw making all the decisions needed to keep our small ship afloat, the fearful little girl in my bed grew bolder, more confident. That's when I felt strong enough to live as if I'd always be single. Adopting that mindset enabled me to make plans for my son and myself. Moving from "what if" to "as if" changes your life.

DEAR SUSAN: As you requested, I'm updating you about my progress reading your book "Single File." I'm finding it wonderful, changing how I feel about going places alone and doing things I enjoy without, in your words, a "bodyguard" for security. I have worked through "what do I want to do" issues and am busy on the "friends" project. (I love your idea of a spring party to which I ask friends to bring their friends.) I'd like to stay in touch with you concerning the book and its exercises in singleness. Molly M., Long Island

DEAR MOLLY: Those exercises in singleness are designed to build strength and confidence in this unmarried phase. They were born from a conversation I had with an older friend. I asked her the reason for her strong 15-year marriage. Her answer: "Whenever I find myself clinging like a rag doll to my husband . . . I put on my walking shoes and take myself to a movie or to dinner. The alone time renews my sense of self. I get in touch with my personal strengths, and I come back to him refreshed and surer of myself, a whole person. He gets the benefit of a more affectionate and loving partner because I've reminded myself that I'm a person in my own right."

Those words were the foundation for these exercises and form the backbone of my book. They are lessons in becoming more confident and assertive, more willing to shape life your way and live more fully in the present rather than wait for a wedding ring. Dear Molly, please write soon and often. And never stop exercising.