When keeping a secret leads to trouble

DEAR AMY: I recently took a brief vacation, and I stayed at the home of my (live-in) girlfriend's mother. My girlfriend was not there; we are both educators, and her spring vacation is at a different time. During my visit, the mother told me that she had recently developed a romantic relationship with a man. Her husband of more than 40 years passed away about a year prior to our conversation. She asked me not to tell my girlfriend, since she'd be seeing her in person on a weeklong vacation the following month and didn't want her to hear it secondhand. I obliged. I honestly believed my girlfriend would feel happy that her mother had found some companionship. When my girlfriend returned from her vacation, she was furious at me for not divulging her mom's secret to her and for forcing her to be surprised by this news that she doesn't like. She accused me of not being on "her team." Though I appreciate what she might think about her mom jumping back into the dating pool so soon, I was stunned at her reaction to me. Does she have a point?

--Keeping Secrets

DEAR SECRETS: You sign your letter "Keeping Secrets," and yet this is exactly what intimate partners should not do.

Let's take it as a given that your girlfriend is upset with her mother on several fronts. Despite your assumptions about how happy she should be about her mother's new romance, I think it is completely understandable that she would be quite conflicted and thrown off -- at least at first.

Also vexing is the idea that her mother would confide in you but not in her.

Your partner's mother put you in a terrible spot.

The best response would have been for you to say, "I'm really not comfortable keeping this sort of secret. Now that I know your news, it would be best if you gave her a call before I get home. I'm sure she'd like to talk to you about it."