Worried about mother-in-law's shady boyfriend

DEAR AMY: My twice-divorced mother-in-law has taken up with a "companion" who has an arrest record that is quite extensive. After smelling marijuana on him, my wife and I checked his background, as he is now living at my mother-in-law's house. His record includes breaking and entering, theft, drug possession, two DUIs and a DWI. We have indicated that we don't feel comfortable around this companion, as I have one of those jobs that require absolute security and my wife feels uncomfortable around him, especially with our first baby on the way. We don't want to go over to the mother-in-law's house or have him over to our house; because of this, my wife and I have been accused of making my mother-in-law choose between our new baby and her companion. Sure, the background check is a little over the top (you should see the extensive background checks they do for my job), but he is not good news. What do you think?

--VR

DEAR VR: It is every parent's duty to protect your child from harm, but using access to your child as a way to try to protect your mother-in-law from harm (if that's your goal) won't work.

If you genuinely feel this person would hurt you or your child (it's hard to imagine how he could unless you left the child alone with them), then do what every responsible parent does and assert your duty to do what's best for your child.

You should tell your mother-in-law, "We love you and would never keep you from seeing your grandchild. But knowing what we know about your companion, we're going to have to limit the baby's access to him.

"Most importantly, we're worried about you. We can't protect you the way we can protect our baby, but we wish you'd leave this relationship."