Your Finance: Solving differences to avoid 'gray divorce'

Statisticians have noted a rise in "gray divorces" lately. Spouses who stayed together through decades of sickness, health, richness, poorness, child rearing and parental health troubles are breaking up, just as they are supposed to be entering their own happy golden years.

No doubt some have unhappily "stayed together for the kids," but something else is at play here. Spouses who have compromised for years see retirement as a last chance to do what they want.

So when he wants to move to a small retirement home and she wants to stay in the big family house, or she wants to travel and he wants to putter, sparks fly.

How can you solve differences that run deep? Here are some thoughts.

Get on the same financial page. Even if one partner handles the investments, both should know exactly how much they can afford in retirement, says Kathy Murphy, president of Fidelity Personal Investing. It will help frame the discussion.

Collaborate. Many financial advisers insist on meeting both spouses rather than doing retirement planning with one or the other. That gives couples a clear understanding of where they are, as well as an impartial sounding board for their differing views.

Then talk about dreams. Put the budget aside and talk about what you'd really like to do for the rest of your lives. You can whittle down your ambitions later to match your bank account.

After the dream talk, figure out the details. Maybe she doesn't need to live in Montana, and he doesn't need to own a big boat. They can spend one month a year in each place. One solution advisers sometimes recommend: Sell the big house and get two more modest places in different locations.

Talk about togetherness. Couples often have very different ideas about how to spend their days. Murphy says it is common for men to want to immerse themselves in sports and athletics while women want to spend time with family, volunteer in the community or pursue hobbies.

If one spouse thinks retirement means spending days with the spouse he or she has missed all these years, it can be a problem.

Try a new activity. You and your spouse got together in the first place because you enjoyed each other's company. Maybe one of you loves tennis and the other loves woodworking. You can agree to give each other space for those activities and pick a third -- bridge, say, or bird-watching -- that you haven't done, and learn it together.

• Compromise sequentially. Baby boomers are increasingly exploring the concept of a phased retirement. Those folks heading to Belize or buying recreational vehicles don't all expect to live that way forever. Perhaps you can structure a "we'll do this for two years, and then we'll do that for two years" agreement.
• When you can't meet in the middle. If you can't agree on the line between "comfortable" and "save for the kids," one option is to buy a second-to-die life insurance policy that will pay off to the estate when the second spouse passes. That won't come cheap, but if it saves you from a marital spat, it could be as worthwhile as the cleaning service that kept the household peace during your working years.