Letterman: The Jay Leno File

  Evil Jay!

  Look at all the stuff he's done over the last 20 years. Dave has tracked...Monologue follows...

“Hey, weather – is the weather wacky where you folks live? 

Oh, listen to this: 
four days of rain in Los Angeles, and there’s been a lot of
flooding and it’s
such a mess and when it floods like that, they get the

mudslides and the only good thing about the mudslides, the

mudslides put out the wildfires.  But it’s continuing to

rain, and it’s been such a problem in southern California, in

Los Angeles in particular, that earlier Jay Leno held a press

conference to announce that it wasn’t his fault.”
 
“And now there are rumors that President Obama may be paid to

leave office and Bush will get his old job back.”
 
“Tomorrow, by the way, TV news – Conan O’Brien’s last show,

tomorrow night.  Conan O’Brien’s last show, yep – was there a

problem?”
 
“As a result of this whole mess, people are beating up on Jay

Leno, and I’ve beaten him up – and telling jokes about him

and saying things about him and attacking him and going after

him, and then people say, ‘What would you do that
– “  And, well, I’ll tell you, it’s fun.”
 
“But don’t worry about Conan – Conan is leaving the show, but

he’s taking with him $45 million dollars.  Forty-five million

dollars – he had the gig for seven months, he’s leaving with

$45 million.  I’m telling you, it’s like a Larry King

divorce, if you think about it.”
 
“And as part of the settlement with Conan O’Brien, Conan will

not be allowed to badmouth NBC.  Ah, don’t worry, leave it to

me. I’ll take care of that.”