God Squad: Pay off debt before tithing
My ex-girlfriend is always so negative. Five and a half years ago, she lent me several thousand dollars, which I agreed to pay back (with interest). Now, she's asking me to start repaying her, because she just found out that two years ago I started to tithe. She thinks it's hypocritical that I'm tithing and haven't started paying her back. I told her tithing is mentioned in the Bible, but she said she felt "used." Granted, I also lived in an apartment of hers for free for a year, plus she paid for almost all our entertainment. But I don't make a lot of money, and she makes plenty as a teacher. How can I convince her that being a good Christian by tithing is more important than starting to pay her back now? She doesn't really need the money.
- J., Buffalo, via e-mail
After freeloading on a woman who - no surprise - is now your ex-girlfriend, you stiff her out of money you have a moral, legal and spiritual obligation to repay.
What gave you the idea you had to choose between paying this woman back and paying God forward? Do both, and if you only have enough money to pay your debt or tithe, pay the debt first. God can wait. Here's what you should do: Take all your money out to a parking lot. Throw it in the air and scream at the top of your lungs, "God, take whatever you want!" Whatever falls back down, gather up and give to your ex-girlfriend with your prayerful apologies.
While you're at it, re-read Matthew 23:23: "Away with you, you pettifogging Pharisee lawyers! You give to God a tenth of herbs, like mint, dill, and cumin, but the important duties of the Law - judgment, mercy, honesty - you have neglected. Yet these you ought to have performed, without neglecting the others."
What are your thoughts on cremation? I know Judaism is one of the few, if not the only, major religion that forbids it. My thinking is that cremation is more Earth-friendly, and I really like that idea. I look at it as achieving the same result as the traditional pine box, just hurried along by heat. I also don't like the idea of ever-expanding cemeteries. My children say they'd be OK with cremation for me and agree that it's much more in keeping with my feelings about our planet.
- J., via e-mail
Cremation is forbidden by Jewish law. It's also discouraged by Catholic law. The reasons I believe cremation is a spiritually limited and shortsighted option include your own sensitivities to Earth-friendly disposal of the dead. Cremation wastes a lot of energy and causes pollution. It does this to accomplish what a natural burial in a wooden box does with no energy wastage or pollution. Ecological sensitivity favors burial.
However, my main reasons for endorsing traditional Jewish and Christian burial practices have to do with what graves do for the living. They provide our children and the children of your children's children with a sacred place to go to tell their children the stories of their ancestors. A grave focuses memories and helps families to spiritually cohere.
When I'm in a cemetery before a holiday and see families visiting the graves of their ancestors, I feel the warmth of their love. When I see a child place a pebble on a gravestone - or a flower in a Christian cemetery - I'm happy and sad at the same time. Honoring the dead is part of the way we learn to honor the living.
I'm also proud and comforted to see how people are buried in sections of cemeteries created by their synagogues and churches. Establishing and maintaining burial grounds is a way religious communities hold together and remind congregants that we are not only born into families but also into religious communities.
A gravedigger I know calls cemeteries "bone yards." I call them places of rest and remembrance . . . for bones. Cremation cuts you off from all that gathering and remembering and tears and flowers and pebbles. Why would you want to do that? If you are concerned with the Earth, recycle your soda cans, not your bones. May you live to be 120, and then may you be buried in the bosom of the Earth.
